I’ve seen you cry …

“I’ve seen you cry”, you say
Talking about the times I cried during the movies.
“I’ve seen you cry”, you say
Remembering the time I shed tears on my bed,
hiding my face,
When you hugged me from behind,
And getting lost in your embrace
Calmed me down
“I’ve seen you cry”, you say
When what you’ve seen is nothing compared to what’s inside
What I hold back

Because I don’t want you to see
What I can’t control
When it takes over
When I’m on the floor. Weak.
With my hands shivering
And I can’t stand, I can’t walk
Because I know if I try… If I try to get up
I’d fall
And there’s nobody to catch me
Nobody to hold me, calm me down, make it all stop
When these tears can’t
I’m losing my mind
When my sight is gone
The blurry things soon go black
I’m crippled by the thoughts
I try to forget
But I get stuck
And sucked into that spiral

Deep breaths, I remember.
*breathe in. breathe out*
Calm down. It’s okay. It’s okay.
*breathe in. breathe out*
Get out. Get out.
*breathe in. breathe out*
I grab something to get a hold on reality.
To what’s actually there.
*breathe in. breathe out*
*breathe in. breathe out*
*breathe in. breathe out*
And I try.
I try to calm my self down.
Like I’ve done a thousand times before
And I wipe it all off before walking out the door
Like nothing ever happened.

So, you see,
That.
That you can never see. I won’t allow.
Allow myself to be that vulnerable in front of you,
When you think I’m strong.
To be in that state of mind,
To collapse
To shut down,
And show you what all is wrong…

“I’ve seen you cry”, you say.
When you’ve seen nothing at all.

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